XSPB PARENTS' FORUM

Decoding Your Spouse

John Tan, Parent

Posted Friday, 24-Nov-2006 7:17 AM

     After the successful August 26 reflection on “The Fellowship of the Wedding Rings,” the second of the Jubilee Trilogy of reflections on the family for Xavier parents, “Decoding Your Spouse: Husband – Wife Relationship,” was held last September 23 at the Multi-purpose Center (MPC).  Fr. Ismael Zuloaga, S. J., Chair of the Golden Jubilee Committee and the prime mover of the Spiritual Renewal activities, welcomed the 200 parents. 

     In his introduction, School Director, Fr. Johnny Go, S. J. compared the relationship between spouses to an iceberg. Just as the mass of an iceberg affects the ocean levels and temperatures, the relationship between spouses also has a far-reaching effect on their children’s lives. Much of the relationship between spouses remains a mystery, like the bulk of the iceberg that’s submerged underwater. Husband and wife should look deeper into their relationship to tap the full potential of their marriage. As an iceberg melts under the sun, the iceberg’s center of gravity shifts and its bottom rolls around and surfaces to the top. Similarly, if the relationship between husband and wife is to grow, the center of gravity or focus should shift from mere looking at themselves to seeking God’s light and guidance.

     The resource persons for the reflection were Timothy and Guia Tan. They are both medical doctors and are members of Ligaya ng Panginoon, a Christian community movement. Timothy (a Xavier alumnus) and Guia have five boys studying in Xavier.

     Timothy and Guia started off the reflection with a review of what a Christian marriage should be, the differences between man and woman, and the differing roles of husband and wife. They emphasized that  men and women have differing but complementary traits and roles. That’s why communication in marriage is important because it supports the love relationship between spouses, it keeps home life running smoothly and it provides a time and place for addressing concerns and problems.

There are four steps to effective communication:

1) Reflecting on what happened to you today; 2) Self-disclosure or revealing your innermost thoughts, values, dreams, hopes, etc. to your spouse so that he or she may better understand you;  3) Active and empathic listening is taking time to really listen and understand what your spouse is saying and is feeling; and 4) Gaining insights about yourself, your spouse and your relationship.

There are styles that strengthen communication:

1) building – the ability to maintain the continuity of a conversation;  2) harmonizing – the ability to bring ideas and issues together and to allow them to converge and complete each other;  3) encouraging – the ability to support and to help others to speak and express their deepest thoughts and feelings;  4) clarifying – the ability to unravel the sense and meaning from tangled words and jumbled thoughts.

There are also styles that injure communication:

1) dominating – not giving the other person the opportunity to speak;   2) abdicating – withdrawing from the conversation;   3) blocking – using a variety of tactics to prevent the other person from effectively communicating; and   4) distracting – doing things that detract from what ought to be heard.

     Conflicts, varying opinions, or conflicting views are natural and healthy. How both spouses deal with and respond to these differences will either hurt or strengthen their relationship. If you’re involved in an argument, try to:

1) identify and define the issue of disagreement;  2) generate some options or ideas for possible solutions;

3) evaluate the options and ideas that are available;  4) decide on a win-win option or solution which both of you will be comfortable with; and  5) evaluate how well the solution worked for the two of you. As much as possible, during an argument, try not to generalize, exaggerate, be accusatory, uncooperative nor closed-minded.

     Effective communication takes practice. It is suggested that the couple sets aside a time (usually an hour would be enough), at least once a week in a neutral, comfortable place to open up to each other and talk. After all, you cannot love someone whom you don’t know.

     The third and final part of the Jubilee Trilogy, “Who’s the Boss?: Parent – Child Relationship,” will be held on November 11, Saturday, 8:00 a.m. at the Multi-purpose Center (MPC). All Xavier parents are invited to attend.

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