REFLECTIONS

Eulogy for Howell Yao

Favian Pua XS ’06  

     Howell, even if God made me sign a contract to be with you for only 9 years, I’m thankful I didn’t waste a single moment of it.

     I’m not really good at eulogies. I admit that. It doesn’t matter that I was English Advanced back in high school or part of the school paper back in grade school and now in college. The topic of death is just too touchy for me. I feel that whatever it is I have to say, it’s either: A) not worth saying because it’s too shallow; B) too vague that the memory does not remember the whole picture anymore or; C) something that’s just between the two of us.

     I’ll start my long story of my adventures with Howell, back in grade 3, when we first became classmates and eventual friends in 3-K. Wow, there were still 11 sections in our batch back then. But the term friendship between us back then was quite… different. Different in the sense that we always infused a sense of competition whenever we raced for higher grades, especially in Math, Reading, Language and Science. It was always an academic war for us back then and we were waging for the top spot in the class, back when I can still brag that I had a fighting chance to be #1 in the class. Anyway, that was how it was back then and it was really, really turbulent times in our so-called friendship. You could say we were on and off, depending on how intense our match-up was for the coveted crown. Those were the days; academics were still a big deal and you just didn’t want to screw it up. But it would take a little while before I figured out that if I were going to screw up my academics, then I wouldn’t end up screwing up my friendship with him.

     Two school years would come and go before I realized that I missed that scholastic competition with you. It was Grade 6 when our paths would cross once again, and this time, I wasn’t going to let it be all about homework and getting a 10/10 in the next quiz. I realized how temporary these things were and how much I was looking for something more out of you than friendly competition. I wanted to take the competition aspect of it, and turn it into cooperation in every sense of the word. And I got more than what I bargained for. I found a true friend. A friend that I was willing to go through hell and high water with. Just a friend. I wasn’t really looking for much. But when I got to know you, I knew that I was going to have quite an adventure, exactly what, I didn’t know yet.

     Howell, we had so many hiritan and kulitan moments that I forgot so much of them in our childish haste. Who can forget Waladingo? It all began when you threw out a random guess to what the “W” in George W. Bush was. That was really crazy. YM was not yet known, and we were always going at it in ICQ or MSN Messenger. Those were the days... I could still remember our seating position back then in Grade 7. I was in the fourth row and you and Neilsen were right behind me. The three of us were like partners-in-crime back then (although you know Neilsen will vehemently deny it). We were just talking ourselves hoarse as if the teacher did not exist in front of us. That was us simply being ourselves, real and open to one another. The two most significant events I recall was that of our group project at Larson’s, as well as our class night during our graduating year. You had me really worried when I thought your two front teeth were going to fall off after that freaky exercise machine fiasco at his place when we got bored doing the project and started monkeying around. During our class night, we were given out slips of squarish ince-sized pieces of paper and were told to write down the level of friendship you shared with that person. Even if I lost that piece of paper now, I can faintly recall what you wrote down that night. There was a fulfilling combination of accomplishment, companionship, intimacy and love. I was really moved that you were able to write down such things, knowing you’re not the expressive type who would tell me how much I was appreciated. Maybe I just never took that time to say you meant so much to me as well.

     High school rolls around, and fate dictates that our networks be expanded as we were torn apart, me to H1-A and you all the way to H1-I. Thankfully, our friendship did not decimate just because of proximity, as our friendship blossomed in our YCLC days. I still recall dropping by your section every now and then after dismissal time to see how you were doing, and how you were getting along with your new class, even if I knew very well that you would become the proverbial glue who would keep them together. Some dismissals would be spent inside gate 14, catching up on each other. The wala lang stuff. Just to make sure we realized we still had each other to fall back on. I didn’t want to waste those two wonderful years we shared in the culmination of grade school for nothing. I knew that outside our ECA activities, we would be facing a greater challenge maintaining the friendship we’ve built, but I knew that we have come so far not to make it work. I had a good feeling that our friendship would be preserved by time, not by seating positions in the classroom or the number of stealthy discussions during class hours.

     The end of first year came as a blessing to me. For us, actually. To be given the chance to serve the YCLC as part of the Core Group. Before the actual workload began, it became our vehicle to become closer together as the appointed servants of the community. TJ, Walther, Stephen, Verne, Lloyd, Howell and I. So many wonderful experiences shared over the course of the year. The overnights where we watched horror movies together. The first time I was introduced to the CSI TV series. You watching me go gaga over the hype surrounding LeBron James’ rookie season. The Tagaytay Highlands trip where we bonded. It was frantic and turbulent at many points along the way, but it was a learning experience from each other. We discovered our strengths, our flaws, and how much we have grown from that year together. And we got a lot of laughs at the end of the way, when we let it all hang out when it’s over.

     However, good times do finish too soon. And that’s when you told me you were quitting YCLC at the end of sophomore year. I then felt the distance between us grow by that decision. As if a magnetic force was pulling us apart. I think that that very distance made me feel closer to you and it kept me always watching your back, making sure that we still there for each other. The most significant turn of events, which made me feel that nothing was lost, was when I got to sponsor you during your Days with the Lord. Thanks to Nicholas for stepping aside that time to give me a chance.

Things happen so fast that senior year comes by so fast and we are now looking to our dreams and desires. And you had immediate goals of your own. Being one of the editors in the Metamorphosis is obviously no simple task. Compound that with the fact that you were the overall Variety Show Head. Not to mention a staffer in DWTL B170. Sobrang napabilib mo talaga ako. But there was an instance when I was really touched with what you’ve done for me. I know that it’s a bit shallow but nothing seems shallow if it really is something done with love. I recall that it was Meta Write-up season and you were harassing everyone to finish up on their write-ups (even if it was not in your job description to do so) when I suddenly decided to ask you to make a write-up for me. It was not the grandest of things, but I was really, really wow-ed when you sent me an e-mail with that write-up I was asking for. Extra special knowing you put your heart out on something so trivial in spite of all your other workload. And it pains me to see that you will not be able to reap the rewards of your year-long (and longer) work. After all those meetings you had with Nicholas and Jon Derrick to settle all matters when the others weren’t in the Philippines anymore.

     My last encounter with you was quite short and sweet. You were rushing along back and forth and I was grateful to say “hi” and just have a quick chat with you. It sometimes hurts knowing that I didn’t make the most of our last conversation together, but I’m also calmed by the thought that our friendship never went sour or ended in bad terms, even if we drifted away during college brought about by our unrelenting schedules. Here was my last online dialogue (or series of replies) with you: (dinaan pa talaga sa Multiply eh)

Dated September 22-24, 2006

Favian: cool, layo ng nararating niyo ah [referring to Taal trip], musta nmn youpee? :P are you part of csa or upclc?

Howell: haha onga eh! ok lang naman ako dito, kaw musta admu? im not part of anything hahaha orgless ako :p

Favian: sobrang not orgless ako... check mo na lng profile ko, ang dami eh hahaha :D magkita tayo sa sembreak (date tayo wahaha) :P any suggestions ano gusto mo gawin natin?

Howell: mukha nga eh! active na active ah! hahaha :p bbol nalang siguro, tagal ko na hindi nakikita yung around the world style eh hahaha :)

Favian: oo namiss ko na mag-around the world, gusto mo sa xs? hanap tayo common day na walang pasok :P

     Pretty much reminiscent of our shallow grade school days, but worth treasuring nevertheless.

     Howell, you leave behind with me the value of a contagious smile. Smile now, for the world may never see you happy again. I’m thankful I got that regular dosage of glee from you. It pretty much gave a high to become heightened with the awareness of life in itself. I would just like to restate that I had 9 wonderful years with you. I would have wanted to be 10… or 11 or more… but 9 is just fine. My love for you as a friend is NOT directly proportional to the years we’ve spent together.

     I know it’s really out of the topic but I just imagined those high school reunions and stuff… the ones far off. Like 10 years from now. What do you imagine yourself to be? Some would imagine you finishing your med course by then, preparing for the fast-paced life the field of medicine has to offer. Others see you happily married, probably having a child or two by then already. How I wished to have seen what Howell Jr. would look like. But maybe only in my dreams now. Me? What I see you 10 years from now? You in front, standing there in your coat and tie, beaming at me as I walk down the altar with the woman I want to spend my life with and you hoping that a match was made in heaven for me as my best man. Naks naman di ba? Sounds so picture perfect a scene. Not to mention it’s so planned in advanced. Now I’ll have to think of a new best man. :P That was just to lighten the mood.

     These few lyrics I dedicate to you, because this is what it feels to let go of someone. It’s like a part of me has died when I lost you.

There's never a right time to say goodbye,
But we know that we gotta go,
Our separate ways,
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me,
Cause there's never a right time,
A right time to say goodbye.

     My eyes were red from crying as I typed this entry. I realized that things ended either too prematurely or just at the point when our friendship was at its peak. I didn’t want to say goodbye so abruptly (nobody does). There were three things I wished I had let you known: 1) that I had an argument with you, just to test the limits of our friendship; 2) that you knew who I’m falling for (hahaha you were left out on my matters of the heart) and; 3) that I had told you that I would never give up on you, because you were worth all those times I spent with you and more. But now, I don’t need to worry, because I know that up there, you know everything residing in my mind and heart.

     You know very well how lonely I feel without you (in the physical sense) right now, and that I’m looking forward to the day God decides to negotiate a contract extension with you in the future.

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